Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises" when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt.
All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly."
That's how depression hits. You wake up one morning, afraid that you're gonna live.
- prozac nation

Sunday, September 14, 2008

rantings from a misspent youth

It sounds clichéd I know, but it feels like you’ve helped to loosen the chains and wake up a monster inside me that is now pissed off and wants to come out. It breathes fire within me so that I burn and scar on the outside and cry out with pain. A new pain, unlike one I’ve felt before. Not worse, just different. But it is pushing me over the edge slowly.
I don’t know if I can hold it in much longer.
What have you done? What have I let you do to me?
I should have just listened to myself.
There was no relief; no burden lifted, no mighty revelation – nothing.
Now all I want is to cut again and let this pain trickle down my arm in swift streams, but this too is against your rules. When will I be free from you and your pushing and your rules? I feel like I’m about to explode unless I let some pain out first, to maintain the balance.
I have come this far, but I’ve had enough now. Can I go back to the shadows where my head hangs low and I have to remind myself to breathe?

It all just seems too much sometimes, too real, too close by, if that makes any sense at all.
I’m so riddled with doubt and I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I don’t know what to do with my mind and my body knows that and it’s starting to freak out on me.
It does stuff that I can’t control – it jitters and jumps around, unannounced.
It’s really starting to scare the shit out of me. I sound like a freak…one of those complete nutters that belong in a mental institution or a psych ward.
Trust me, they’ve tried to put me there, but I will not be put down, they cannot bring me down – DAMN THE MAN! Ha ha. (empire records rocks my world)
At least I don’t hear voices telling me to do fucked up shit or see things or shit like that, then, fuck, I’d let them put me away - I’d put myself away.
I’d be first in line for the men in white suits with the hug-me jackets and the padded rooms with the indistinguishable foodstuffs.
Anyway, back to the point.
I want to feel again; I mean apart from the parts that are just plain shitty.
I know hurt, pain, and anger. It’s all the same feeling really, just with a different name, because you still end up with the same result.
You feel like someone ran over you with a steamroller and there is absolutely fuck all that you can do about it.
And screw all that psychobabble bullshit about working through the feelings, ‘coz that’s a load of crap as well.


Polar Bear said...

Sometimes I feel like that too.

papierpop said...

I know exactly what you mean, and today is one of those days, with those feelings.